I was sitting in my favorite cafe recently, listening to a close friend as she poured out her heart. She and her husband had just celebrated their 21st wedding anniversary, and what should have been a celebratory conversation was anything but. She shared about how beautiful the early years of their marriage were but that her experience had been more painful than joyous for longer than she’d like to admit. Her voice trembled as she recounted the countless hours she had invested, the sacrifices she had made, and the memories they had shared—many good, but in the past years most painful or mediocre. There was a lot more to it, of course, but to me, it was clear that it was time to move on. When I asked her what leaving would look like, she hesitated. “I’ve just put so much into this,” she said, “I can’t just walk away now. I have so much fear.”
Her situation is a classic example of a sunk cost relationship. It’s a term borrowed from economics, where a “sunk cost” refers to an expense that has already been incurred and cannot be recovered. In relationships, this concept translates into continuing a partnership not because it brings joy, fulfillment, or even basic support—but because of the significant time, effort, and emotional investment already made.
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