Communication is one of our superpowers. It’s at the core of what has made human beings successful throughout history. It’s how we’ve built cities, families, and communities, and it’s how we form lasting connections with other people.
We don’t often take the time to evaluate how we are communicating, but when we start thinking about how to make our conversations meaningful, what is most important to communicate, and how we want to connect with other people, we start to have better and deeper conversations.
Here are 5 tips to become a better communicator:
1. Align on the type of conversation you want to have.
There are a number of different types of conversations we can have. We could have a practical discussion involving planning and strategy, an emotional one where someone seeks empathy and understanding, or a social one that is about people relating to each other.
Problems start to arise when people are misaligned in the type of conversation they are looking to have. For instance, someone who is seeking empathy might get frustrated when the other party approaches the conversation strategically, offering solutions to their problems rather than emotional support. This misalignment makes it nearly impossible to really hear each other.
To have stronger, more productive communication, seek to align on the type of conversation you want to have. Think about what the other person is looking for from you. A useful question many teachers ask is, “Do you want me to help you, hug you, or hear you?”
2. Ask deep questions.
Asking questions is a great way to show the other person you’re engaged with what they’re saying. But superficial questions often aren’t enough to form a substantial bond. Try shifting to deeper questions that speak to their values, beliefs, or experiences.
Deep questions don’t have to be overly personal. For instance, if you were speaking to someone who is a doctor, instead of asking, “Where did you go to medical school?” or “What hospital do you work at?” you could try asking, “What made you decide to go to medical school? What do you love about the hospital you work at?” Invite them to say something revealing and meaningful about themselves.
3. Show you are engaged.
Super-communicators have ways of signaling to the other person that they want to connect. They might nod along to the other person’s story or laugh at a joke that isn’t particularly funny to show they are engaged. When we show others we are willing to connect, they are more likely and willing to connect with us. Think about ways to signal that you are actively engaged while another person is speaking.
4. Listen intently and repeat back what you heard for confirmation.
A huge part of communication is what happens when we stop talking and start listening. So often, when the other person is speaking, we tend to wait for our turn to talk again so we can communicate our own thoughts and needs, but in the process, we fail to really listen to what they are saying.
When someone is speaking, try to be present. Look in their eyes and pay attention to the cues they are sending. Really listen with a desire to understand and try to discern the want behind the words. Offer your thoughts only when asked. Then, prove you are listening by repeating back what you heard in your own words. Ask if you got what they are saying right. This shows you’re paying attention and understand their point of view while allowing them to address any misinterpretations you may have.
5. Connect with people who are different than you.
It is much easier to avoid people who are different from us than to actively interact with them. But the more we engage with people who are different from us, especially people we disagree with, the stronger our communication skills become, and the better we become at connecting with others.
We tend to pigeonhole or label people based on their differences. One of the ways to begin resolving conflicts is to see people through a wider lens, not just as one thing. We all contain multitudes, and when we bring all of our identities to the table, we have the opportunity to see each other as we really are rather than being pushed into a stereotype. This opens us up to communication and removing resentment or anger towards each other. This is a foundational part of building connections in a divided world.
We live in busy times where it seems everyone is in a constant rush. Our schedules are over-packed. It’s so easy to brush people off or cut conversations short because there just isn’t enough time. Make the time to connect. One of the greatest things we can do for our health, happiness, and success is to form connections with other people. We do this through meaningful conversation.
