We can encounter them in the workplace, in social settings, or in family structures – toxic people who bring unhealthy negativity into our lives. They can drain us of our energy and even change the way we see ourselves over time. We may think we can recognize and avoid toxic people, but the truth is they aren’t always easy to spot at first. They can be narcissistic, manipulative, deceptive, or just plain cruel, but they might first come off as talented, smart, funny, or even nice. Spotting toxic traits and unhealthy dynamics is an important step in navigating how to interact with them so that we preserve our self-worth.
Here are 3 signs of a toxic person to look out for:
1. You don’t feel good about yourself after spending time with them.
The authentic part of yourself is the truest, most powerful part of you – the unique Light that needs to be revealed in the world. Toxic people make it difficult or even dangerous to show up as our authentic selves, creating an environment where we are criticized, belittled, shamed, or worse for being our true selves.
Pay attention to how you feel after you spend time with someone. If you feel good about yourself, that’s an indication it’s a healthy place for you to be. But if you feel depleted or beaten down, those are red flags that it might not be the best environment for you.
While living authentically is an important part of our spiritual work, the truth is you can choose when and with whom you reveal your authentic self. It may be a group of friends, a safe space in your community, through work, through volunteering, or even therapy. Find the people that make you feel good about yourself and build on those relationships.
2. They aren’t kind or respectful.
You’ve likely heard stories of famous actors, musicians, or political figures who are admired by thousands but turned out to be cruel people behind the scenes. It's human nature to think if a person is accomplished or skilled at something, they must be an amazing person in all areas of life. In reality, just because somebody has incredible talent or vision doesn't mean they know how to treat other people.
You can have tremendous admiration for a person’s intellect, creativity, or skillset, but pay attention to whether you feel safe, seen, and heard in their presence. Warmth, kindness, respect, and safety are much more valuable traits than intelligence, success, or skill. Avoid being blinded by someone’s accomplishments and focus more on the behaviors that really matter.
3. They don’t take responsibility or grow from their mistakes.
As human beings, we all make mistakes in relationships. Healthy relationships move forward when we take accountability, sincerely apologize, and attempt to change our behavior. When that happens, relationships grow stronger. Toxic people, on the other hand, will often place blame, even on the person that they harmed, and fail to take any accountability or make any effort to grow from the experience. This puts the onus on the victim to be the one to apologize or forgive if they want to keep the peace.
The more you give in to bad behavior, the smaller you become, and the more you start to quit on yourself as the bad behavior continues. Forgiveness can be powerful, but it must be authentic. It’s not a quick-fix solution to make all your problems go away. Be mindful when you apologize – are you coming from a sincere place of wanting to move forward and grow together or are you forgiving just to smooth things over? Are they taking ownership of their mistakes and trying to become better from them or just continuing their toxic patterns?
Whether it’s a spouse, boss, friend, or family member, there will always be toxic people that we encounter throughout our lives. We can’t always avoid them or remove them from our lives, but we can learn to recognize them and interact with them differently in a way that preserves our integrity. Be mindful of how others make you feel about yourself, how they treat others, and how they handle their mistakes. You will start to recognize toxic traits when you encounter them and will be better equipped to navigate those dynamics.
