Ask A Kabbalist

Restriction in a New Romantic Relationship


I am new to Kabbalah and my friend, who inspired me to learn the teachings, told me that in new romantic relationships there is a “waiting period” before intimacy should occur. What are the kabbalistic “rules?” And how should we use restriction in a relationship so we can continue to grow? ~JA


One of the foundational teachings of Kabbalah is that when a person takes an action based on desire for immediate gratification, it feels good in the moment. But that feeling is only temporary. Subsequently, the person will feel a greater lack of fulfillment than they started with before the action.

The power of restriction, which means to pause before acting upon a feeling or desire, is to give oneself real free will—the ability to truly see the intention behind the action. That is, is it for oneself alone (immediate and temporary fulfillment) or is it for the sake of sharing, empowering the other person to connect, or to reveal some aspect of the Light of the Creator within them (long lasting fulfillment)?

Kabbalistically, intimacy is a very powerful action. It involves the soul and soul’s energy of both people. It is NOT just a physical act. Kabbalah teaches that every physical act comes from a metaphysical force in the person and creates spiritual/metaphysical consequences for the person. Therefore, in the majority of relationships, once intimacy starts, people become “blind” to who the other person “really” is, how they behave, and whether or not they are a match.

Think back to your own past relationships. Did you ever find yourself staying in a relationship longer than you “should” have—even when there were red flags—just because you wanted the intimacy aspect of the relationship? Did you ever find yourself overly heartbroken at the end of a relationship because you had given yourself into intimacy?

There is no specified “waiting period.” The concept is to apply restriction before getting involved intimately. This allows you to see the other person more clearly and objectively, and to know if they are someone that you really want to be involved with, someone that you want to be with long term.


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