Ask A Kabbalist

Seeking Forgiveness


I inadvertently hurt a very close niece of mine when she overheard me discussing my thoughts about her behavior, which were not complimentary towards her. What I said to my Aunt, in fact, was what I believed to be true. Nonetheless, she is very hurt and feels very betrayed by me. I have apologized for hurting her, but she still will not talk to me. I just cannot get it out of my head as to WHY this happened. What should I do? Or should I do nothing? I am wracked with guilt and heartbroken that this has occurred. Please help me find peace with what I did. ~YZ


Sadly, this is a common occurrence. And yes, it will bite for a while. The first concept is, be honest within yourself. Does finding peace for you mean really solving the whole issue? Or is it about just feeling better within yourself and purging your own guilt so you don’t feel so awful? Although, we will, of course, claim the former out loud, wanting to be forgiven is too often more about the latter.

The spiritual understanding of cleaning up and resolving this, means going back to the drawing board and letting go of the need for her to forgive or speak to you, for now. Your drawing board offers questions, such as:

1. Although, you believed your comments to be true, why did you need to share them with your aunt in this way? Again, your ego will scream, “Because I had the perfect intention to help and support a healthy and positive change.” But you need to go deeper than the ego to find any real truth. Were you angry from a previous issue? Was something building up that came out in the wrong way? Take responsibility.

2. When you ‘apologized’ to her, did you ‘apologize’ or were you truly sorry? Again, your ego will say, “Of course I was sorry, I felt so awful!” But too often feeling awful is feeling OUR own pain, not THEIRS.

3. Take 30 minutes out of your day and open the Zohar. Close your eyes and connect to HER pain. What’s she feeling? In the context of her life, how does she look inside because of your words? Has the ‘truth’ that you were so sure of actually helped her? How could you replay the whole scenario to really help her next time? What would you say? How would you say it? And most importantly, what perhaps WOULDN’T you say next time?

When you can go back and take 100% responsibility, you’ll metaphorically ‘bleed out’ her pain, and therefore, her judgment of you. At that point, you might feel the need to write a letter to her. So, write it. Open your heart. Take 100% responsibility. Then put the letter down. Pick it up the next day. Edit it to become more balanced if it needs it. Put it down again. Finalize it the next day and send it. Every day, open the Zohar for 30 minutes and read/scan/meditate, sending her Light and positive energy, allowing her this process. And don’t stop. She’ll come back to you soon.

Stay in touch with your teacher through the process. There is something positive for you within this, too. Learn something new about yourself that you were neglecting. As you cleanse this situation with your niece, that branch of your life can spark up a new opening for you, too. Good luck!


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