The Need to Please

Approval feels marvelous. If they handed out gold stars for a life well lived, you’d bet we’d all want one. We love to feel appreciated. In fact, research shows that companies who foster a “recognition-rich culture” far out perform their competitors who don’t. Though they may invest about 1-2% of payroll expenses a year on recognition programs, these companies have 31% lower voluntary turnover rates and a more trustworthy and happy work force. Clearly, receiving approval plays a part in our everyday lives, whether we are conscious of it or not.

It’s fairly easy to spot a people pleaser. They are in perpetual agreement with others—“yes” people, eager to satisfy others, sometimes at the detriment of their own needs. However, we may not be as adept at spotting this behavior in ourselves. Consider how you feel when meeting someone new or when introduced to a new group of people. Do you obsess over what they think of you? Do you alter your behavior in order to please others? Allowing our desire for approval to dictate our interactions with others can be problematic for a few reasons. As Terry Cole-Whittaker said (and appropriately titled her book on self-fulfillment), “What you think of me is none of my business.”

First, we can spin ourselves into quite a frenzy wondering what others are thinking or saying about us. When we become over eager to make a good impression, we often miss what people are saying or worse, interrupt them in order to make what we perceive as an important point or a funny joke—all in the name of impressing others. Try to really listen to what others have to say. There’s no need to plan out the perfect response. Chances are, it won’t be nearly as spot on if you allow your need to please to take the wheel.

Next, consider the “nice guy” trap, which is easiest to fall into when we are overwhelmed by the desire to attain approval. Most of us have been taught to use good manners when interacting with others. When we do, we believe they are more likely to think of us as polite and amiable. So, we faithfully tag please and thank you onto our sentences, whether it comes from the heart or not. Say it and mean it. Take the time to connect, look someone in the eyes, and smile. Your sincerity will do far more for you than polite words alone can ever do.

Lastly, dare to be different. It’s human to desire acceptance when surrounded by new people. It feels good to fit in. But when we act on this desire, it can be at the sacrifice of our true selves. “When we seek approval, we are all too likely to lose our connection to the Light of the Creator,” says Michael Berg, “which is ironically, the source of all our talents. Approval can be dangerously seductive to even the most spiritually elevated among us.” Stay faithful to your values and beliefs. Being the lone voice of protest is especially difficult. It’s much easier to keep quiet and be agreeable for the sake of being accepted and liked. Yet, we share more Light when we act in accordance to our true selves.

The biblical chapter, Pekudei, describes the events after Moses had received the second set of tablets from Mount Sinai. The Creator told the Israelites to build a tabernacle and specified the materials to be used. So, they gathered up the materials and waited for further instructions. They waited weeks, then months. During that time Moses remained silent while he received countless complaints by people in the community who wondered what on Earth was going on. Moses was patient and did not succumb to their complaints in order to appease the group. “Moses did not let a need for approval distract him from what really mattered—and neither can we,” explains Michael Berg. “With the example of Moses to guide us, we can seek the inner strength to stay the course and not give in to the temptations of popular approval.” So what really matters? Your thoughts, feelings, and needs, matter. Stick to your values, stay true to yourself, and release the need to please others.