When you clean out a closet or kitchen drawer, you dig through everything, discovering what needs cleaning, what needs to be thrown out, and what needs to be repaired. But so often, we fail to do the same kind of deep dive into our relationships to discover what’s working and what needs more attention.
Whether we admit it or not, we want to experience only the good parts of our relationships – the joy, the fun, the pleasure, and the curiosity – without disruption, drama, or hassle. Our natural tendency is to avoid conflict. But conflict can be the gateway to deeper connection and true closeness if we know how to approach it and grow from it.
Here are 4 tips for healthier conflicts that make your relationship stronger:
1. Approach conflict as an opportunity, not a roadblock.
It’s easy to view conflict as justification for anger, resentment, disappointment, or even proof you are with the wrong person. But our relationships are not meant to be seamless. Conflict allows us to assess things that could be better, creating a doorway to deepen intimacy and vulnerability.
Building closeness isn’t just done through having a great vacation together or a nice night out on the town. Having difficult conversations about hurt feelings and misunderstandings and working through them together creates the glue for the relationship. We sometimes bite our tongues or avoid having these conversations because we’re uncomfortable or afraid. Still, when we have them, we learn something about ourselves and our partners and build stronger communication.
When both people are thoughtful, spiritual, and proactive people, you can use what you have learned to become stronger. If you don’t, you miss an opportunity to deepen your relationship. The goal is not to avoid conflict but to navigate it to become stronger.
2. Be clear on the goal of the conflict: to grow closer.
When people argue, they don’t usually stop and think about the end goal. If we’re being honest, we often try to make the other person feel guilty, get them to acknowledge our feelings, or force them to apologize. We may want to prove that we’re right and they’re wrong. The problem is that those goals are not about unity, partnership, or mutual growth – they actually create separation. When we instead approach conflict with the goal of building closeness, we can have much more productive and honest conversations.
When approaching a difficult subject, start the conversation by saying, “I want to have this discussion because I want to be closer to you.” Set your intention for the conversation and focus on finding ways to come together rather than fighting to win.
3. Be curious and ask questions.
Arguments can get heated. One of the most powerful tools to maintain connection in emotionally charged situations is to stay curious throughout the conversation. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask questions. Why did you say this? Is there something I did that upset you? How can I do better going forward?
Often, we are afraid to hear the answers to these questions. The ego is ever-present. It doesn’t want us to feel like we did anything wrong or to take any accountability. Limit the ego by bringing curiosity and trying to discover what your partner really wants. What is the want behind the words? Does this situation remind them of something that happened in their past? Does it affect their vision for the future?
Really listen and then summarize what they’ve said in your own words. Ask if you’ve heard them correctly. This forces you to think about what they’ve said while making them feel heard and allowing them to correct any miscommunication. Showing up for each other with curiosity brings a closeness you cannot achieve any other way.
4. Maintain consistent communication and connection outside of conflict.
Communicating and expressing your feelings shouldn’t end when the conflict is resolved. In fact, the healthiest relationships have consistent contact throughout the day. Having constant honest conversations when there isn’t conflict makes it easier to do so when there is. It keeps you on a steady path of growth, building the muscles and tools you need to navigate difficult discussions.
Check in with your partner consistently. Share your fears, thoughts, and hopes. Make them a part of your day, even if you aren’t physically together. Send a text or give a call to let them know you are thinking about them. Show constant consideration for one another. Don’t wait for date night. It’s about the small moments that create intimacy, connection, and emotional intelligence.
All relationships have times of harmony, disharmony, and repair. It’s a cycle. These tools can help reframe conflict as powerful opportunities to grow closer, learn more about each other, and build a stronger bond. The power of repair impacts the whole journey of a relationship. It’s natural to want to avoid conflict, but moments of disagreement are some of the most important pathways to deepening the relationship. Grab hold of them and work through them together to create a stronger, deeper, more spiritual connection.
